If You’re Going to UnBaby.Me, I’d Like to UnMoron.You

By | August 15, 2012

UnBaby.Me

You’d rather see bacon than this?!

While scanning my newsfeed yesterday, I came across a post that contained this article about the new Facebook App, UnBaby.me, which users can subscribe to in order to swap pictures of babies in their newsfeed for pictures of cats or dogs, or whatever else they choose.

My first thought was: “Hey, they stole the cute spokesbaby from the Harold Alfond Challenge in their imagery at the top. Is that legal?” My second thought was: “Oh, am I supposed to be offended that people don’t want to see pictures of my baby?”

I’m an over-sharer on Facebook when it comes to pictures of my kid. I admit it. My kid is freaking cute, and it took me 36 hours of unmedicated torture to spew him from my vagina. I earned the right to enjoy him and the right to share him. I love my child so much that I literally cannot contain myself in social media. When was the last time you loved something so much that you couldn’t stop sharing it?

You see, the incorrect assumption that anyone subscribing to UnBaby.me is making is that we “breeders” care that you are turning our cute little punkins into bacon, or whatever. We aren’t stupid, and believe it or not, there was a time that we were not parents ourselves. We know that not everyone wants to know about our child’s sleeping/eating/pooping/cuteness. It’s just that – to put it simply – we love our children more than we care about sparing the aesthetic appeal of your newsfeed. Sry.

We see you baby haters coming a mile away. I mean, I walk into a grocery store with my son and the estrogen swirls. Women look at us and smile. They maneuver their carts to get a good look. They stop me in my tracks to share about their baby, too. I’ve learned more about other people’s children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They ask if Charlie has his teeth yet, and give their (unwanted) opinions on everything from his blue eyes, to his 2 teeth, to his chubby cheeks. Some even cross into stranger danger territory and pinch them. It’s in those moments that I’m reassured: It’s true! He really is cute – it just can’t be my genetic bias.

So when you, oh subscriber to UnBaby.me, walks my way in the grocery store with your nose turned up and your face that says “I just threw up in my mouth a little bit,” I know who you are. And I get you. You don’t give a shit about the little bundle of awesomeness that is drooling all over the communal shopping cart and screaming at the top of his lungs just to hear himself make a sound. And believe it or not, I’m actually a little thankful for you. Thankful because I know you won’t point out my that my kid “must be older than 9 months because he’s so chubby!” You won’t try to put your germ infested hands on his face. And you won’t hold me up for 15 minutes telling me about little Sally down in Atlanta who you haven’t seen since she was 6 months old (she’s 7 now), when I’m really just trying to get the hell out of there because my kid is sitting in two hours worth of his own secretions.

But I do think UnBaby.me is stupid. Only for the fact that, if you don’t want to see my pictures, you can just unsubscribe from my posts and – TADA! – they will no longer show up in your feed. If you’re dumb enough to need an app to get the same effect, well that’s your problem.

Facebook is a social networking site, which in our self-centered little society means that it’s a place where we get to believe that people actually give a shit about what is going on in our lives. Because, you know, everyone else must think I am as amazing as I do, right? Hell, I’ve been a member long enough that my original photos are inappropriate and beer-laden college expletives that have no business being on the world wide web. It’s a wonder I got an IRL job. And I’ve seen it go down hill, once the floodgates opened to non-college members. (Nothing against people that didn’t go to college – Facebook was just different back in it’s original day.) To me, Facebook officially went down the shitter the day that Farmville was created.

There are about 9 billion things on Facebook that I’d like to get rid of. My short list includes:

  • Poor grammar.. It’s sad when you have friends and there sentences make them look so dum they dont use punctuation to and its so hard to read what they righting for shur.
  • Stupid MyCalendar requests – NO, I don’t want to be put on your Calendar. It’s lazy enough that we only remember birthdates because of Facebook… now you’re telling me you’re too lazy to just click on my profile to see the date? You really need an app instead?
  • Your relationship status. He broke up with you? He was a d-bag anyway.
  • Your amazing self-help business. Because once again, you are SO awesome that I know you must be the only one that can tell me how I can be more awesome.
  • Your C25K updates… you ran, good for you. Shut up.
  • Your political rhetoric. Ron Paul was never going to win – give it up. While you’re at it, take down that sign on your lawn… oh, and clear up the beer cans and busted down Chevy, too.
  • Your Eeyore status updates about your depression and lack of medication. Sorry your life sucks, but you don’t need to drag us all down with you every day. It’s called a therapist, get one.
  • Anything to do with your cat.

So, what I am saying is, if there’s an app that’s going to censor my “cutest baby EVA!”, there should be another app that wipes out all the stupid shit I don’t want to see too. An app called UnMoron.you! Because nothing would make me happier than removing all of the stupid, all at once.

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